Wow. I just read my last post from over a year ago. That interview went well, by the way. I am well. I am working. Most importantly, I am finally back in the CLASSROOM! All of these things are big things. Call them rewards, results, or pure luck. I gladly accept my Higher Power's will.
I cannot maintain these highs alone; nor can I reasonably expect a smooth ride. At the very least, I need meetings. I need constant contact with my HP. How else can I manage? I can't.
I apologize to myself, to those I haven't reached, and to a fellow gambler who was counting on me for a ride this weekend. I won't make it to the GA conference in Chicago this weekend as I had hoped, planned, promised.
Am I worried? No. This present situation will have a definite end. Recovery has shown me how to let go and how to improve "things I cannot change" without being "in the middle arranging all the outcomes." [: insert GRATITUDE :]. (Speaking of gratitude)
I'll keep in touch.
14 April 2011
10 January 2010
October 21, 2008
Whoa! It's a new decade. I am happy to say that I did not gamble at all in 2009. I haven't placed a bet since October 21, 2008. This blog has been inactive, but my recovery is going well. I am gradually learning and becoming the person I want to be.
A lot has changed since my last post. I have moved many times and lost jobs and close friends. I have been to the last two G.A. mini-conferences in Brookfield, Wisconsin. (Those were great!) I have seen many new members come through the door for help and succeed in their lives. I have a job interview on Monday.
I will be posting more in the days to come. I hope everybody has a good decade.
A lot has changed since my last post. I have moved many times and lost jobs and close friends. I have been to the last two G.A. mini-conferences in Brookfield, Wisconsin. (Those were great!) I have seen many new members come through the door for help and succeed in their lives. I have a job interview on Monday.
I will be posting more in the days to come. I hope everybody has a good decade.
18 January 2008
Don't Worry
Don't worry. I know that I haven't posted in a while. I am still defeating compulsive gambling one day at a time. Actually, in my case, I attack any thoughts of gambling as they occur. The problem doesn't have a chance because I am constantly aware of it. I am made aware at all times by my higher power. I have not figured out what that power is yet, but it is certainly helping me. Attending meetings regularly gives me the opportunity to remember and discuss my past problems. I recognize that I am a compulsive gambler, and at the same time, I am moving forward with my life. To all compulsive gamblers still suffering, please try G.A.
06 December 2007
To Thine Own Self Be True
My Gamblers Anonymous group is small, but our contributions keep our tote full of books and pamphlets. I took it upon myself to order the next batch of materials that were needed. (Order your G.A. materials here, Gamblers Anonymous' Online Ordering System.) Our group's funds are mysteriously unaccounted for, but I know the group will pay me back. Besides, without the group, I wouldn't have money of my own to make the purchase.
I don't think the Online Ordering System still offers the coins like my group gives its members for not gambling. I have the 24 Hours coin. It's not the 30 Days coin, but it still means as much. Where a penny reads "In God We Trust," this coin says "To Thine Own Self Be True." The reverse side displays the serenity prayer.
Since my first meeting, I have successfully reached the 30 Day mark without gambling. It's a small success, and it seems even smaller when I look toward the coming years. One day at a time, working the steps, I will be changing my life.
I don't think the Online Ordering System still offers the coins like my group gives its members for not gambling. I have the 24 Hours coin. It's not the 30 Days coin, but it still means as much. Where a penny reads "In God We Trust," this coin says "To Thine Own Self Be True." The reverse side displays the serenity prayer.
Since my first meeting, I have successfully reached the 30 Day mark without gambling. It's a small success, and it seems even smaller when I look toward the coming years. One day at a time, working the steps, I will be changing my life.
05 December 2007
Preoccupied
Sorry, I haven't forgotten about blogging. I have been pillaging the World Wide Web for every opportunity to make money. I'd like to invest what little I have and use multi-level marketing and referral links to my advantage. I haven't made anything yet, but I believe that my passion to make (earn) money online has replaced my urge to gamble.
As compulsive gamblers often "switch" addictions, I've now become a workaholic. It seems that I cannot spend enough time or earn enough income to satisfy my wants. What I crave most of all is independence and earning enough to support myself. I wish that I could be a better student. That's what I need to crave right now - education. I'll be back, and I will try to post more frequently.
As compulsive gamblers often "switch" addictions, I've now become a workaholic. It seems that I cannot spend enough time or earn enough income to satisfy my wants. What I crave most of all is independence and earning enough to support myself. I wish that I could be a better student. That's what I need to crave right now - education. I'll be back, and I will try to post more frequently.
23 November 2007
Lasting Habits
I went out for a night of bowling with my best friend, who knows all about my problems and my attempt to conquer them one step at a time. First step through the door, I noticed the slots at the near corner of the bar. Thoughts went through my head that proved to me that I still have work to do.
I was having fun, but I had not bowled for a while. "I could adjust and do better next game. Maybe I could hustle the guy on the next lane. I don't have much money. I would have to win and keep winning, but I could do it. What? No way. Have you forgotten who you are? You are a compulsive gambler!"
Then I looked up to see one of the gentlemen that was playing a machine as we arrived. Above him was the lighted ATM sign, and in his hand was a card. The word quarters went through my head. "I have quarters in my pocket. No. I don't want to play, really. Besides, I wouldn't be allowed to play, and I wouldn't get paid."
Like myself and many other friends, co-workers, and acquaintances, the guy wanted more. For whatever reason, he needed more cash. Maybe he lost his drink money or wanted to give more to the machine. Is he a compulsive gambler like me? I thought so.
I used to work at a bowling alley, and I often played the slots. More often than not, I reached for my wallet again and again. If I ran out of cash, I would raid the ATM. If I was not approved, my bank ATM nearby might work. The day's deposit(s) could be accessed after midnight. Then, I would have bent over backwards for gambling money. Now, I've quit gambling, but I will forever be a compulsive gambler.
I was having fun, but I had not bowled for a while. "I could adjust and do better next game. Maybe I could hustle the guy on the next lane. I don't have much money. I would have to win and keep winning, but I could do it. What? No way. Have you forgotten who you are? You are a compulsive gambler!"
Then I looked up to see one of the gentlemen that was playing a machine as we arrived. Above him was the lighted ATM sign, and in his hand was a card. The word quarters went through my head. "I have quarters in my pocket. No. I don't want to play, really. Besides, I wouldn't be allowed to play, and I wouldn't get paid."
Like myself and many other friends, co-workers, and acquaintances, the guy wanted more. For whatever reason, he needed more cash. Maybe he lost his drink money or wanted to give more to the machine. Is he a compulsive gambler like me? I thought so.
I used to work at a bowling alley, and I often played the slots. More often than not, I reached for my wallet again and again. If I ran out of cash, I would raid the ATM. If I was not approved, my bank ATM nearby might work. The day's deposit(s) could be accessed after midnight. Then, I would have bent over backwards for gambling money. Now, I've quit gambling, but I will forever be a compulsive gambler.
22 November 2007
Owing
While appologies are not neccessary, I feel sorry for missing yesterday's G.A. meeting. I had no aliby. After a distracting late dinner, the time reminded me that the day's meeting was halfway over.
I wondered what the group was thinking. I could have been traveling for Thanksgiving or worse- gambling. Neither was true. I just forgot that it was Wednesday. My dollar contribution to group fees stays in my pocket for a day, and I don't know if that's wrong. What goes around comes around, and I still think that my dollar will eventually come to rest where it belongs.
I have made a few personal suggestions: eat an early dinner on meeting days; go to sleep and wake up with the anticipation of meetings; and keep an open schedule. I will follow my own advise. I will make it to meetings. "It works if you work it."
I wondered what the group was thinking. I could have been traveling for Thanksgiving or worse- gambling. Neither was true. I just forgot that it was Wednesday. My dollar contribution to group fees stays in my pocket for a day, and I don't know if that's wrong. What goes around comes around, and I still think that my dollar will eventually come to rest where it belongs.
I have made a few personal suggestions: eat an early dinner on meeting days; go to sleep and wake up with the anticipation of meetings; and keep an open schedule. I will follow my own advise. I will make it to meetings. "It works if you work it."
Misunderstood
In searching to find sources with which to reach out with a good word, I stumbled upon a real downer. A Yahoo! Answers user asks, "Why don't gambling addicts get it?" First of all, I don't consider myself to be an addict. I will accept that I am plagued by addiction, but I find the word "addict" to be offensive. Then to say that we don't understand our predicament, this person must be some kind of ignoramus.
Let me further detail the asker's rant. Apparently, we are willing to throw away our hard-earned money because gambling will solve our problems. The asker claims that we are unaware of any problem and that a person is "better off talking to a wall." We are considered "so blind and so stupid." I have found myself out of character, in the moment, and highly pissed.
We are not willing to throw away our money. We often try not to gamble, but we fail. Gambling only offers an escape from our problems, and we are well aware that those problems will be waiting for us when we return to normalcy. Perhaps the opportunity to escape is our incentive to gamble for extended periods of time and until we lose it all. Most importantly, we are neither "blind" nor "stupid." We can see the problem, but we can't see the solution.
I would rather talk to a wall than to people that insult my intelligence, degrade the person that I am, and know so little about compulsive gambling yet flaunt their stubborn ideas about the topic. I understand that compulsive gambling is misunderstood. I just wish that others could see the misunderstanding. Therefore, I blog.
Let me further detail the asker's rant. Apparently, we are willing to throw away our hard-earned money because gambling will solve our problems. The asker claims that we are unaware of any problem and that a person is "better off talking to a wall." We are considered "so blind and so stupid." I have found myself out of character, in the moment, and highly pissed.
We are not willing to throw away our money. We often try not to gamble, but we fail. Gambling only offers an escape from our problems, and we are well aware that those problems will be waiting for us when we return to normalcy. Perhaps the opportunity to escape is our incentive to gamble for extended periods of time and until we lose it all. Most importantly, we are neither "blind" nor "stupid." We can see the problem, but we can't see the solution.
I would rather talk to a wall than to people that insult my intelligence, degrade the person that I am, and know so little about compulsive gambling yet flaunt their stubborn ideas about the topic. I understand that compulsive gambling is misunderstood. I just wish that others could see the misunderstanding. Therefore, I blog.
20 November 2007
Qualifications
I am a compulsive gambler. But how do I know for sure? Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of Gamblers Anonymous' Twenty Questions. I score a near perfect nineteen, or 95 percent. I match all ten of the American Psychological Association's criteria: preoccupation, tolerance, withdrawal, escape, chasing, lying, illegal acts, risked significant relationship, bailout, and loss of control. Pathological gamblers can display as little as five of these signs.
Mayo Clinic recognizes risk factors of developing compulsive gambling. The only risk factor that I cannot relate to is that I do not suffer from Parkinson's disease. Knock on wood. I advise any potential gambler to review these risk factors before getting caught up in the action. Some people can gamble "normally." To a lot of people, gambling is acceptable. For those of us who are unable or questioning our ability to quit, there are the above Twenty Questions and the A.P.A.'s criteria.
Mayo Clinic recognizes risk factors of developing compulsive gambling. The only risk factor that I cannot relate to is that I do not suffer from Parkinson's disease. Knock on wood. I advise any potential gambler to review these risk factors before getting caught up in the action. Some people can gamble "normally." To a lot of people, gambling is acceptable. For those of us who are unable or questioning our ability to quit, there are the above Twenty Questions and the A.P.A.'s criteria.
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